Broken Down and Tired

Updated: Apr 7

Exhausted is the only word I can come up with. I know there is more. I have more to give than the mundane tasks that I do everyday. Am I a narcissist? Am I the only person that feels this way? Just finding the purpose in my day job is a whole job in itself. This feels like a selfish thought. I make just enough money to not be in poverty. One paycheck away from losing everything. Always.

Everyone I know has moments like this. Some more than others, sure. I visit this place from time to time. It feels empty and desperate. Tired doesn't begin to cover it. When I let these thoughts ruminate in my head, I begin to feel resentment for all of the people that appear to have been lucky enough to achieve the success that I dream about. Then the shame spiral begins. I don't wish for these people to NOT have success. I just can't figure out what I am missing. What am I lacking? It feels like I am working my ass off. It feels like I am doing the right things.

My practice these days is to lean into curiosity. I have found that asking myself the right questions at the right time is helpful. I have uncovered my truth by getting curious about myself. This is so much harder than it sounds. I was lucky enough to find a therapist that I connected with on my first attempt at picking one out of the search results. I don't know if I could have healed without that relationship. The first thirty years of my life were filled with trauma. Without safety or any sense of security it becomes impossible to set goals. It is impossible to see the future being anything other than survival.

Falling back on my habits and my self care rituals saves my spirit from drowning in sorrow and self pity. Everyone that has achieved business or fame or financial success talks about putting in the hard work. Prioritizing work for the short term to reap the benefits of the long term. I don't disagree with this approach. I certainly am no stranger to hard work. The trouble I am running into at 41 is that I have been working hard and putting work before my family my entire life. It's becoming harder to push myself on these days when my bones are tired.

Leaning into these moments and allowing myself to rest could lead to the shame spiral. Learning how to cultivate and listen to my inner mentor is what gets me through. I am not a narcissist. I am a complex, curious, loving and beautiful human. Just trying to find my place in the world. I am me. I am you.

Everyone wants to be seen and heard. Everyone wants to show up just as they are and be loved anyway.

-Adrienne Taylor

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